Don't bother Davey, you know this story...

Ah, good old Davey, he's talked me up some so now I have to make an effort. Which involves me swiping one of my old posts to make my life look more interesting. You see not much happens on tour. We run out of things, we encounter problems, but first and foremost, people just moan because that's what people do. Especially where hotels are involved. So when my room phone woke me from a fitful slumber, I wasn’t surprised. Maybe someone’s yolk was too runny or they couldn’t switch on the TV or something.

But no, I was asked by the nervous German receptionist to come downstairs right away as the Polizei wanted to speak to me about a report made by members of the public…

10 blurry minutes later Im shaking hands with 2 leather-clad dykey Polizei, attempting to decipher what’s ‘gone down’.

Turns out one of our Canadian guys had checked in, stripped naked and treated 30 or so elderly ladies working in the call centre opposite his window to a rendition of ‘If I was a rich man’ on the pink oboe.

We all shared a bit of nervous laughter about it, but jacking off in front of a bunch of old ladies is not cool. We had to do some Pink Panther-style investigation, me in a knee-length coat and the dykes banging on the potential flasher’s door and shouting ‘Open ze door, Polizei!’ This of course brought several other semi-naked crew members and civilians into the corridor for a look-see.

It was then confirmed by the aforementioned old ladies, as I’d suspected, that we had the wrong room. I tripped over the suitcase, Clouseau style and we went to interrogate the real suspect.

Being a French-Canadian, this led to many comical misunderstandings and wild gesticulation. But he’d done enough of that already and he was carted away by the swine. They kept him at the station for about 6 hours then when he returned I handed him his tickets for Dortmund-Frankfurt, Frankfurt-Zurich and Zurich-Montreal. Then I went to wash my hands.

I thought I’d seen everything, but watching on as two German dykes stand over a terrified, topless Quebecan and ask ‘did you or did you not stroke your pennis (sic) to the window?” was a new one to me.

So, not every day is the same.