How to get ahead in your armpit

This tour is weird. I have a lot more free time, thank God. See, one of our crew (let's call him Pretty Boy, as he's 19 and looks like he came fresh from tryouts for Boy Story II- Back to the Log Cabin) arrived on tour with a medical problem. He likes to pretend he doesn't speak good English and he definitely gets treated a bit preferentially as he's basically everyone's kid brother. So muggins here gets to escort him on his trips to the E.R. See, Pretty Boy has something that looks a bit like this...

Only bigger and more angry. I'm talking Oprah when the wireless mic guy has eaten her fudgecake angry.
Zing!

Now I would put my severed dick in a tub of Ben & Jerry's and go back to bed rather than go to A&E on a Sunday morning, but when pretty Boy started flashing the armpit around, it looked like it was time to jump in cab and head to the laughin'est place in Pittsburgh(TM).

If I'm honest, I was just glad to get out of the office and into the sunshine. I figured I'd be left in the waiting room and could soon sidle off to sun myself and look at buildings. Fortunately even the youth of Pittsburgh aren't as ridiculously irresponsible and brain-dead as the Brits, and it was pretty quiet. We signed in, went into Triage and then waited for a nurse and a doctor.

I figured by now I was pretty much here for the duration and I was looking forward to watching medical professionals slice that fucker open and squeeze of some pus. And so they did. Pretty Boy was pretty much just yelling 'fuck... fuck... it's too much... fuck...too much... fuck as they anaesthetised it, squeezed out the evil and rinsed it with salt-water. The doctor then packed the wound with sterile gauze, dressed it (terribly), gave him some Vicodin and antibiotics and we were on our way without paying a dollar.

If you're travelling short distances in the US, say a mile, it's usually quicker to walk for some reason. Plus we wanted to avoid work for a bit longer.

Pretty Boy was now in full patient mode, deciding he should take it easy for a few days and avoid all lifting. Sorry, but what lifting? He's the first guy to finish (after me anyway)and he constantly has 6 stagehands at his beck and call to handle the instruments.

Two days later, I'm helping him with his set-up and breakdown, more from sheer boredom on my part than actual need, and it's time to get his gauze pulled out and the wound redressed. In Detroit...