Bless you, anonymous woman! And thank you, shitty laptop!

OK. I've calmed down considerably since I tapped out that diatribe last night. I think I was in danger of catching eBay fever again. I had a bad belt-buckle habit for a while a few years back. If I'd won that romper suit, I would have started down a slippery slope resulting in my buying a diamond-encrusted dummy from Puff Daddy. (It helps him sleep, bless him.)

I hope the lady who won that item gets hours of joy cleaning vomit and excreta from it.

So yep, sorry you both had to witness me in the depths of a babyclothes binge. From now on I'm just taking it one day at a time, tryin' to live mah life right. I'd also like to apologise to the recyclable drinks container I brutally destroyed last night.

That said, I'm still pretty pissed off at the handyman who woke me up at 9.45 to change a lightbulb and then had a 15 minute telephone conversation in Dutch. I wish I'd pushed him off his fucking stepladder.

I'm just like a powder-keg aren't I? Humility one minute, white-hot, bottle-tearing rage the next.

But that's the way you like it baby...

Fuck you, anonymous woman! And fuck you, shitty laptop!

My girlfriend is great on eBay. Like an eagle-owl or something. She watches her prey, for days if required. Swoops at the last split-second. Scoops up her bargain and goes back to her nest to devour it.

In bird-metaphor terms, I'm the dodo of eBay.

To illustrate that point, here's a monkey.

I was just outbid on a sleepsuit. For my baby, not me... Except I didn't get outbid. I got banjaxed by my shitty 9-year-old laptop.

I've been watching this particular piece of adorable babywear for 5 days now. 5 days of checking and fretting. I was actually beginning to treat it as a baby. I'm to blame really. I got sweaty palms as the clock ran down on my coveted item. Fearful of the laptop that time forgot and the temperamental wireless connection, I spunked too early and put my bid in with 20 seconds to spare.

Things were good; I was ahead. Then I had a panic attack and tried to put in another higher bid. Pushing the left click on my mousepad 3 times inside a minute is never agreeable to my computer. So the thing froze. And some bitch (I'd name her but I want to retain a modicum of decorum, so let's just call her Whorebag) outbid my original stake by 50 pence.

I've just torn a plastic water-bottle in half. IN HALF, people. I don't think even Geoff Capes can do that.

But, you can't win 'em all I suppose. I once placed a bid on a brown leather jacket because it was so similar to the one I already owned that I couldn't bear the thought of someone else owning it. Scoring my chicks. Looking all dealer-ish.

I won that but the guy's Paypal wasn't working and I became convinced he was trying to steal my identity. I've never paid for it. Then again, I've never worn it. It's languishing on my dad's coat=rack. And he's never worn it either. Weed was bad for me in many, many ways.

Public Service Announcement

I started a long-winded post about this, but some things are best kept short....

Be very wary of medication given to you while in foreign countries.

I had bad stomach-ache yesterday. Last time I had intestinal pain this bad, I was hallucinating that there were rocks in my bed and my mam thought I was going to die. Really.

It's the degenerate chemical dustbin in me, but all I saw was '500mg' as the paramedic dropped two of these badboys into my clammy mitt.

In my broken German, I understood 'take one now, and the next one in an hour'. I ignored the stifled laughter as The Devil's Red Cross sloped off, presumably to give a kitten an enema.

So, I popped it out of the packaging, weighed up the waxy bullet in my hand (alarm bells should definitely have been ringing at this point), bit it in half and gulped it down with a swig of camomile tea.

Am I a hero or an idiot?

Is the nightmare over? Can I get up now?

So, that guy who runs that country, you know... He made a big speech, said he'd be retiring to Texas with all that bailout cash his government gave "to the banks". He did the little quotation marks. Was gonna buy Marilyn Monroe's and Joe DiMaggio's corpses and make them do stuff. For his amusement, like.

But no-one paid any attention to that because there was a 'miracle' in New York. The miracle being, I suppose, that the stuff airline companies tell you to do in the safety booklet may actually save lives, rather than just reassure nervy passengers. I'm one of the many who've stopped looking, pretty certain that if we hit water, or terra firma, I'm going to fucking die.

Anyway, I don't want to pour water on the skills of the pilot or anything, and it's great that no-one was injured or killed. So well done, 'Sully'. Nope, what's pissing me off today is this...

WTF, people? If this was in The Onion, I'd be laughing. As it is, I'm just shaking my head. You could elect Jesus as president, and the rest of the world will still laugh at you. Behind your back, obviously. No laser-guided night-vision wedgies for us, please.

You in the back! yes, you, with the trilby and the hunched shoulders...

So while I was spoaching about looking for cheap laughs at someone else's expense I learned that it's 'delurking week' or something. Well, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware so none of you are getting cards or presents or anything. I promise to make more effort next year. I was just so busy with the baby and Christmas and root canal surgery and my parasitic lodger (I call him 'Bitey').

Anyway. I did the right thing and I massaged someone's ego by congratulating him on making me crack a smile, urged on by the medium of shame. So please, feel free to do the same, all you war-freaks who come to look at that picture I posted of a dead German 15 months ago.

Top ten films I finally got around to watching on DVD or in-flight entertainment

As you may have gathered, I don't get to the cinema much. So here for your glib amusement, my, well, read the title..

Iron Man
I didn’t see all of this as the pilot couldn’t shut his yap for more than 5 minutes consecutively but it had AC/DC, explosions and Robert Downey Jr with a nightlight in his chest so it was a winner.

In Bruges
I actually really loved this. I normally shy away from the Farrell-bag, but he’s great here; sulking around, dragging his feet like a petulant child. The mix of un-PC belly laughs and cruel sadness was just right. Let down only by the lightly sketched love interest. It was obviously necessary but smacked a bit of under-developed college writing. Of which I am an expert.

There Will be Milkshake.. I mean, blood
I’m a bit thick for films like this. Probably why Davey isn’t talking to me anymore because I slagged off No Country for Old Men. But I did enjoy it. Beautifully shot, a Shining-esque soundtrack, brilliant performances from old Daniel and that creepy preacher kid. I liked the ambiguity of the thing; unlike so many films the plot and writing didn’t lead you by the hand the whole way then give you a lolly for not nodding off.

School of Rock
I can take or leave Jack Black. But a harmless cookie-cutter movie that caused my lip to curl into a half-sneer once or twice.

50 First Dates
A weird mix of slapstick and shameless sentimentality, with a perverse undertone. And yet I still enjoyed it and blubbed at the end.

Pan’s Labyrinth
I stayed up late to watch this one night and I really enjoyed the contrast between whimsy and brutal reality.

The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
Strangely reminiscent of the BBC serialisation way back in the late 80’s or possibly early 90s, I’m far too lazy to check. I also watched the more brutal Prince Caspian this Christmas. The joy of having kids in the house. Disney succeeded in not completely killing it with their own brand of idealism and I didn’t want to smack any of the kids with a snow-dappled fir-branch, so it goes down as a success.

The Golden Compass
Christ. With a lead actress who makes plywood gaze longingly at her performances and swoon ‘wow, she’s just.. so.. wooden’ and Ian Mckellen voicing an alcoholic polar bear, this was about 7 shades of shit.

OK, so it's not ten. But I slept on a tour-bus last night and I've got work to do so get off my back, alright?

Happy new year to both my readers, apologies for the distinct lack of posting in the past six weeks. I resolve to try harder this year so help my black ass.

Just by way of a recap... had the second scan and it's gonna be a boy, which I and my wonderful lady are overjoyed about.. did a 35-hour suicide-watch series of flights from Australia which resulted in an abcess and ongoing root-canal work... decided on a name which will remain secret, at least until he's born... had a lovely albeit far too brief Christmas break.. continued to obsess over Oasis (it's OK, I'm gonna be a dad now, so all worries about being cool are out of the window)... heard the lil' laddie's heartbeat... took 3 weeks off drinking (thank you aforementioned root canal surgery) and didn't struggle at all... and fell in love all over again.

And here I am, back in Germany in winter. Strap yourselves in folks, it's gonna be a long, whiny ride...