Fuck you, anonymous woman! And fuck you, shitty laptop!

My girlfriend is great on eBay. Like an eagle-owl or something. She watches her prey, for days if required. Swoops at the last split-second. Scoops up her bargain and goes back to her nest to devour it.

In bird-metaphor terms, I'm the dodo of eBay.

To illustrate that point, here's a monkey.

I was just outbid on a sleepsuit. For my baby, not me... Except I didn't get outbid. I got banjaxed by my shitty 9-year-old laptop.

I've been watching this particular piece of adorable babywear for 5 days now. 5 days of checking and fretting. I was actually beginning to treat it as a baby. I'm to blame really. I got sweaty palms as the clock ran down on my coveted item. Fearful of the laptop that time forgot and the temperamental wireless connection, I spunked too early and put my bid in with 20 seconds to spare.

Things were good; I was ahead. Then I had a panic attack and tried to put in another higher bid. Pushing the left click on my mousepad 3 times inside a minute is never agreeable to my computer. So the thing froze. And some bitch (I'd name her but I want to retain a modicum of decorum, so let's just call her Whorebag) outbid my original stake by 50 pence.

I've just torn a plastic water-bottle in half. IN HALF, people. I don't think even Geoff Capes can do that.

But, you can't win 'em all I suppose. I once placed a bid on a brown leather jacket because it was so similar to the one I already owned that I couldn't bear the thought of someone else owning it. Scoring my chicks. Looking all dealer-ish.

I won that but the guy's Paypal wasn't working and I became convinced he was trying to steal my identity. I've never paid for it. Then again, I've never worn it. It's languishing on my dad's coat=rack. And he's never worn it either. Weed was bad for me in many, many ways.