I'm getting confused. I flew home last Sunday (totally surprised my girlfriend by the way- big points) and when I woke up on the tourbus the day of my flight there was a lot of talk about the weather in England. 'Ooh, all the flights are being cancelled, Danny' and so forth. So of course I start shitting it, and since it's meant to be a surprise, I can't ring anyone for a weather report.
I'd noticed on the Hotmail news page doohickey that Britain was 'bracing itself for severe weather' for about a week already. I'd done some checking and it appeared the South was going to be hit and the North would escape. Ha, tables turned! How do you like that, soft southern shites?
Well, turns out they didn't like it one bit. 900 flights cancelled out of London, and even cancellations as far up as Leeds. Since that's only 90 miles away from Newcastle, I was starting to get nervous. Not helped when we spent 30 minutes parked on the runway. Maybe the pilot forgot his packed lunch or something, I don't know.
Anyway, flying over Northumberland and the North East it was all very beautiful and snow-covered but the airport was actually pretty clear. When I got to my house on the coast, there was no snow at all, no sign that there'd been any and no sign that any was on the way. I had expected the shitty weather to catch up to us, calling into question my return journey 3 days later.
I never saw any snow. However I heard that 6million people took Monday off, terrified of the 'treacherous weather conditions'. I know people take a bit of snowfall as a licence to drive like a chimpanzee on RedBull in mating season but, come on. I'm not even in the country, and I had a week's warning about this. Where were the gritters?
It's only snow, people! It melts in your hand! It doesn't crawl up your nose and eat your brain.
Did I miss my medication this week? Did someone spike my Earl Grey? Or do the news shows and papers have so little to talk about that they're turning a weather pattern into a catastrophe?
I dunno. I saw CNN or Skynews or some tripe last night (I'm in Switzerland, by the way, and this was deemed newsworthy?) and they had a computer demo of how icy, vengeful cold winds from the east invaded the coastline and clashed with low pressure surging up from the south resulting in a fearsome struggle between evil and more evil culminating in a clusterfuck of..... er, soft white stuff that fell on the ground, looked pretty for a while and then melted. I felt kind of embarassed for the newsreader.
Big. Fucking. Whup. I've had it with the media.
Watch out people, the sun is going to come out tomorrow. Do you know how hot the sun is? The surface is 5,400 degrees centigrade!!
It's going to rain next week! Sailors have been known to drown!
Piss off. Here's an idea - on days when there's no news, how about just not putting the news on? Just show a couple of episodes of The Simpsons instead, and fill the paper with tributes to me.
3 comments:
We had the same thing here in December. In Canada! They called it - get this! - Snow-mageddon.
True, it doesn't snow much in Vancouver, but we were without garbage pickup for four weeks because a forty ton garbage truck the size of Jawa sand-crawler couldn't get down our alley with an inch of snow in it!
The best was the snotty notes the letter carriers put on our front door three days in a row: 'Sorry we were unable to deliver today because your walk wasn't clear'. Yet they had no trouble getting up the walk to put the notice on the door. A level walk with two tiny steps and a sturdy railing!
And... Rant over. Wow, that feels better. Thanks!
If I can help, I help. Damn, Snow-mageddon would have been a much better title...
I would also accept
'Snow chance of survival' or 'frost expected overnight- government advise eating the young'
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